What If They

*Drumrolls* 

Welcome everyone! It's been a long time since I posted a poem. I was so busy with the Mental Health Awareness Week that I forgot to post poems, but it was also a great time to think about how I can use my words to right about my personal struggles with Mental Health. So, I did the exact same this today. 

For all the blog posts regarding poetry that I shall create from now on, I will be giving the context at the end of the poem 'cause I guess that's a better way to do it. First things first, go ahead and read the poem. 

What If They

I can feel all the eyes on me
like a matchstick burning in the darkness
of my head.
Their hushed voices echo in my ears
like a lost swarm of ants trying to find their escape.
My head throbs with all the thoughts
beginning with what if's and ending with buts.

What if they are noticing every little
detail of mine,
every mistake that I commit or
every time I falter upon my words?
What if they are all laughing at me?
What if they won't like me at all?
What if I am just making it all a big deal?

No, I don't need to be perfect,
but I think I did not give my best today.
It's okay if I made a mistake,
but I think it was a huge mistake and
everyone noticed it.
I faltered only once,
but I heard someone's muffled laugh.

I allow their dead voices into my heart,
I keep tabs of every time I lose my mind,
and I go back and forth with every decision
I ever commit to.

I try to protect myself from
the hurt their words can possibly cause,
wear my armour on my sleeve only to
wound myself over and over.

Too many voices in my head,
now that I have lost my own.
Too much chaos in my heartbeat,
now that I have lost the calm.

I don't know how to feel pleasure amidst
the turmoil in my heart.
I don't know how to numb the voices
in my head.

I don't know what would they all say if I
changed a little too much,
or became something more
than the thoughts in my head.

-The Loquacious Writes

Context-

This poem, apparently, talks about anxiety and anxious thoughts. This is something I  deal with every single day of my life. This piece talks about how you want to change this one thing about you and still can't do it 'cause what if the others start criticising you for being more than just your thoughts. The second and third paras of the poem talk about being a little too vigiliant about what everyone has to say and simultaneously being your own biggest critic in the process. This is the case with people who feel anxious and are diagnosed with anxiety disorder. In this process of trying to protect yourself from the hurt, you wound yourself again and again by overplaying a certain situation or a moment in your head. This poem is very close to my heart, and it also took the longest time to be what it is today. 

Thank you for reading <3

- The Loquacious Writes